I Was Told There'd Be Cake) [Pdf Read] é Sloane Crosley
Gardiens des Cits perdues - tome 7 Rminiscences (07) yEd to make me think that living in New York is the shit the absolute end all be all my toes get all weird and curl under my hands come to my head and scratch and I feel my brain ache Stop talking to me Stop talking to me people who think NYC is where all the coolness comes from It s not me It s never been meI think this reaction comes from living in Los Angeles the dreaded West Coast red headed step child LA is supposed to be where the pretty is supposed to live And people are pretty in LA Totally But those aren t people Those are Fembots But back to Sloane and Cake Strike Two Against New York I can t handleNow faced with the bottom half of the book the 150 pages ahead of me where the author can either make me feel better about all of this and I can walk away with a better understanding of why she had to do this to me in the beginning to get to a better place in the end I do not feel like this will happen I don t trust it to happen but I know I will ride out the remainder of Cake and tuck it away in a bookshelf somewhere or give it to a friend so I don t have to see it again Not because of my complete hatred for it as I do not hate this book really but because of the unsettling feeling it gives meI used to write personal essays None of them include collecting ponies that signified relationships None of them took place in New York CityI was on the phone with my mother on Friday where she asked about the boyfriend and where he came from and what s going on and I answered her uestions honestly and succinct She sounded pleased with my responses and her tone of voice came through showing her approval Until she busted out with Just make sureou re making the right decisions The conversation veered right off the Yellow Brick Road and into something right out of Nightmare on Elm Street What was that I asked Make sure 69 Sex Positions. Essential Moves to Spice Up Your Sex Life (with illustrations) you re making the right decisions she said firmly with no humor whatsoever in her voiceIt was later on that it hit me that I seemed to have stopped writing because I ve started making the right decisionsAt least ones that I believe are leading me in the right directionThis has left me with very little to say as I live my uaint little life work sleep eatoga I m not going to be writing personal essays about receiving a phone call at 3AM and heading out of my apartment in my pajamas to meet someone I know who is poison for me I m no longer going to have stories to tell about calling in sick to work because I still smell like teuila I will no longer be peeing in the unisex bathroom at a gay bar looking at everyone s penis because I can I have not eaten uestionable meat found in the fridge since I lived with Carleen and if that does not mark the beginning of the straight and narrow I don t know what doesI m all the glad for it though I m relieved that all of that is pretty much over I m tired I can t do it any It s too much work to be in a shitty relationship It s a Herculean effort to stomach a teuila hangover these days I d rather sip my whiskey to stave off the winter chill that is July in San Francisco or consume enough beer to do the drunk foot shuffle straight to my bed to sleep off the crazy Strike three Againsttime And life And changes It s not Sloane s fault
that i am old and she is not I am old and she is not m left not liking her anecdotes because I m no longer in my 20s making bad decisions I m no longer searching for some sort of identity because I have one already I know who I am I know what I m doing I m making a conscience effort to make the right choices because it makes life that much easier If I do not eat this ice makes life that much easier If I do not eat this ice bar I will be one step further from Type II Diabetes If I do not consume this liter of Jameson in one night I will not throw up tomorrow morning If I go to oga I feel better If I eat at Burger King it will be Shitcapades 2000 If I talk to the ex I m asking for trouble and it s too emotionally draining to deal with I d rather pour that emotion #Into Things I Love # things I love Jake like my friends like baking I freaking love baking It s insaneIt only makes sense that I m turning 32 this weekend First I have to be fair I only read about 34 of this book because it was all I could stand Maybe the last 14 was amazingI found it rambling uninspired boring and not very funny It sounded like the stories ou tell Gunnin' For Love your friendsour friends think the stories are funny because they know Timoe you Maybe they even tellou that Convaincre en moins de 2 minutes you re really funny andou should write all these stories down and publish them because Catwoman you are so funny andour stories are so uniue But Fictions de Jorge Luis Borges you know better You know that onlyour friends will think Aquarelle, la lumire de l'eau your stories are funny and that they re not really all that different from any other creative type s silly family antics This lady doesn t seem to catch on to that and she s not my friend so I just don t care about what happens in her fairly tepid lifeI don t know her personally She s probably fun to hang out with Or not But the long winded self centered rambling is just too much in this writing She wants the reader to know her but I find there wasn t much to know or care about Stick with Laurie Notaro HOW TO WRITE A MEMOIRPERSONAL COLLECTION OF ESSAYS LIKE SEDARIS BURROUGHS VOWELL KLOSTERMAN AND NOW SLOANE CROSBYSoou want to be a successful memoiristpersonal essayist Follow these ten steps and wait for the book deals to roll into The Routledge Companion to Free Will your mailbox1 Write aboutour upbringing in ways that make it sound charming in its uirkiness eg the VowellKlosterman strategy charming in its weirdness the Sedaris strategy or terrifying the Burroughs strategy Under no circumstances should Myford Series 7 Lathe Manual: ML7, ML7-R, Super 7 you have normal perceptive parents who were socially adept with no strange habits whatsoever No one wants to read about that2 Write about high school and college but make sureou don t make Attirance Criminelle Tome 1 your experience sound too fun or interesting Make sureou write about Notes sur la mlodie des choses your. Iginal voice chronicling the struggles and unexpected beauty of modern urban lifeThe pony problem Christmas in July The ursula cookie Bringour machete to work day The good people of this dimension Bastard out of Westchester The beauty of strangers Fuck ou Columbus One night bounce Sign language for infidels You on a stick Height of luxury Smell this Lay like broccoli Fever fake. ,
The blurb on the cover compares her to David Sedaris The blurb on the back compares her to Dorothy Parker These people are out of their fucking minds Sloane Crosley has a lot of interesting anecdotes in her arsenal but she doesn t know how to tell them without boring the shit out of ou Instagram Twitter Facebook PinterestWe re all in the midst of our own existential dilemmas and hearing someone write uirky little diatribes about their Devil Wears Prada esue boss or the friend who left poop on their carpet can sometimes make us feel as though we aren t aloneI WAS TOLD THERE D BE CAKE isn t that different from the hundreds of other autobiographical essays out there but Sloane Crosley does have a style that is all her own Some of her analogies are creative and on point Not rip roaringly hilarious mind but clever and unusual and amusing Sometimes she reminded me of me Other times she reminded me of the me I wish I was The me who says that clever punchline when it s needed and not five minutes later after I ve already walked awayAs pithy as Ms Crosley is the problem with collections like these is that there are always going to be some stories that just aren t as good as others and bring down the collective uality of the book as a result Apart from a few choice stories that really stood out to me I found them blurring in my head almost as soon as I had read them and it was difficult to suss out which story was whichThat s really the keystone of this problem she just isn t memorable Her stories lack that extra panache that makes them stand out Jenny Lawson with her funny sadness sad funnyness and taxidermied raccoons is what Sloane Crosley dreams of being but she just isn t uite there God de vader en God de moeder yetSoon perhaps But not nowHonestly though Ifou re looking for a light fun read written by a snarky and intelligent lady I would recommend I WAS TOLD THERE D BE CAKE It accompanied me to work and various other appointments and since the essays are only a few pages long it made it easy to read them in uick short bursts without having to stop in the middle of a segment I hate that3 stars This book is so awful so awful I couldn t bring myself to finish it Maybe I just missed the punch lines I think these essays were meant to be humorous but my overwhelming response to these essays was So what Apparently they are based upon Ms Crosley s life I hate to break it to her but I just don t think her life has been that interesting The final affront was an apparent joke in her less than humorous essay about a possible move to Australia thank goodness for us Australians she never made it thereafter the teenage Ms Crosley s plans for moving to Australia are dashed she observes that My Australian dreams had disappeared into the night like a baby in a dingo s jaw 72 I m sorry She can make offensive comments about Australians all she likes we probably deserve it But offensive comments about Lindy Chamberlain and her daughter Azaria is another thing hasn t Lindy Chamberlain already suffered enough Just give it a rest people Give the woman the peace she deserves Wasn t it enough that the Australian media the Australian public and the so called justice system destroyed her life No apparently some dim witted twenty something Sami et Julie CE1 Sami et Julie font des crpes year old in New York City still thinks it s funny to make jokes about the case Sloane Crosley is similar to me and my friends in education background life experience career trajectory and the like The big difference is she has a book deal and we do not As such I tried to read this with an open mind and not hate her off the bat Turned out that was all an unnecessary gesture on my part as even someone completely remote from her experience would realize she is one of the most talentless hacks to come along in ages This book was unbearable These essays accurate definition 8th grade reading level diary entries were not interesting not insightful and almost unbearably badly written Every minute I wasted reading them read skimming page after page hoping for some word that was worth stopping on made me want to throw up Truly one of the worst debuts of theear which is saying a lot considering this is the same Deliciously Ella entre amis year that has already seen the premiere of Keith Gessen s execrable first novel this book isn t bad but it isn t good either it just is most of the essays are about as uirky asour mom after two glasses of wine putting her hand over her mouth and gasping about the sh word sloane crosley is scared she will suffer an untimely death and whoever cleans out her apartment will find her stash of toy ponies this is not really the stuff of What can I sayI never intended to read this book I probably never would have had I not received it in a publicity mailing at work The day it arrived I was between books and just wanted something to read on the subway So I did And then I kept readingI tend to not like to read books
by successful people around my age If the books suck I m angry for wasting my time Worsesuccessful people around my age If the books suck I m angry for wasting my time Worse they re actually good I m angry that this person who might as well be me actually had the motivation and energy to write enough material for a book get a book deal and as a result be critically praised and read by thousands The nerve It completely invalidates my excuses of being too busy too lazy too scared etc Anyway Crosley s writing is not the most elegant I ve ever read but it s far far from the worstsee my review of Smashed by Koren Zailckas In the end all that really needs to be said is La vie sexuelle de Tintin yes this book had me laughing out loud several times Andes I finished it in two days I wanted to hate
"this book and "book and author But how can I hate someone who is so much like me I am Sloane Crosley s ideal audience We are about the same age and have similar backgrounds I too moved to the city after college to work in book publishing I get what she s saying I empathize There From the author of the novel The Clasp hailed by Michael Chabon Heidi Julavits and J Courtney Sullivan Wry hilarious and profoundly genuine this debut collection of literary essays from Sloane Crosley is a celebration of fallibility and haplessness in all their gloryFrom despoiling an exhibit at the Natural History Museum to provoking the ire of her first boss to siccing the cops. Re SO MANY The Spinster and the Rake (Never a Wallflower, young women exactly like Sloan and me in NYC Don t believe me Hang out in the lobby of a publishing company building for ten minutes or sign up for one volunteer project through any city organization I try not to think about it because it makes me feel entirely unoriginal It s almost enough to make me want to pack up my things and move to rural Montana But really what would that solve I digressThe line that really sold me is at the very end of the very last essay She writes I was just like everyone else I knew almost positive that there was something profoundly and undiagnosably wrong with me Maybe she just threw that in for dramatic effect or maybe she really means it Either way I bought it And that s ME too as well as just about every single one of my friends So in conclusion make me laugh through in a few little nuggets of truth like the above and I won t regret the time I spent readingour book And really that says a lot these days Occasionally humorous but the humor of the spoiled of upper middle class woes such as forgetting Not You Its Me (Boston Love, your keys leavingour wallet behind spending hundreds on a locksmith after locking Traces et indices d'oiseaux. Pistes, nids, plumes, crnes... yourself out ofour Manhattan apartment getting lice at summer camp enduring an annoyed boss because My Bitchy Soulmate you re a kid just out of an expensive college who has no real marketable skillsCredit where credit s due Sloane Crosley is a decent writer and a decent humorist She can turn a good phrase now and then enough to garner spot laughs through out The problem is a lack of material worth writing about A whole chapter on the old computer game The Oregon Trail seems excessive This book feels like the author is just toooung lacks the meaningful life experiences needed to flesh out a book and is stretching the hell out of what little has happened to her Perhaps the book s title is the author s way of saying she s aware of this book s let them eat cake laissez faire attitude And to be fair and honest I did get some laughs out of Crosley s essays I m sure there is an audience for them I m clearly not it I started writing a review 12 way through the book because I had a lot to say about Ms Crossley I m posting the 12 way point review because I just couldn t finish the bookI m then 12 way through I Was Told There d Be Cake a book of essays by Sloane Crosley I started it Sunday by this morning s bus ride I ve plowed through this book relatively easily She s a good writer She manages to keep my ever wandering attention as I over stimulate myself on Muni with a coffee my ipod and the pressing need to scan the bus for possible pick pockets That in itself is impressive as I m never one of those people who can read on public transportation I m either caught up in the pod or I m completely passed out and droolingI ve felt the need to mention this book to both my sees ter and to my boyfriend on the phone about how I m almost done the book but there is something about her about this author that feels unauthentic There is this weird distrust I have for her I read these stories these essays about her life in New York City post graduation and I have flat out after the first 8 page essay decided that I do not like herI do not like herI read the first essay about her need to collect plastic ponies and how each one represented a failed relationship and then turned to the back cover of the book took one look at her picture and noted her startling resemblance to my dear friend Miranda who just got married in MexicoMiranda is pretty in a very universal way Gay Straight Man Woman Cat Dog everyone is attracted to Miranda A myriad number of my gay friends have noted that they would date her if they were straight Couple the pretty with a crass sense of humor and a penchant for drinking beer for 8 hours straight and she s the most sought after woman I know well until most recently now that she is married to Greg who is also pretty in a very universal way They are an attractive couple They re the kind of couple Lichen Sclerosis: How to Heal It you see having brunch on a Sunday morning in their pajamas their dark skin dewy and glowing with pretty They re the couple whenou are single that Irish Paganism you wishedou were a part ofBack to Cake Sloane Sloane looks like Miranda I read her uirky piece about ponies and relationships and all I can see is Miranda Miranda is skinny dark skinned long haired and uirky She is weird in a very real way One that doesn t make sense but sorta does Sloane and the pony collecting Doesn t make sense It feels forced I don t buy it for a secondIt is after this revelation on Sunday that I realize I am now caught in a situation where I see the movie before reading the book and now all I see are the actors playing their roles and not any real composite of ideas of these people that the author meant to portrayStrike one Against me I did this to myself I can t blame the author It s not her fault she s a doppelganger for one of my best friendsAfter several essays one about the horrible boss ala Devil Wears Prada or the less fluffy version Swimming with Sharks I started to get annoyed While she s not perpetuating the Carrie Bradshaw syndrome I really don t need to know what it s like to be oung single living in New York City If I wanted to I could have done that It would have been easy enough to move from Boston to NYC have been easy enough to move from Boston to NYC college get an office job and spend my time wondering if the purpose of my life is to look good date the wrong men and steal office supplies from work I feel like everyone knows what it s like to be single in New York City now You don t even have to have done it all ou have to do is watch television or read
books like this one and The Ultimate EU Test Book Administrators 2020 you feel a familiar camaraderie with the authoreah I feel our pain sisterButlike this one and ou feel a familiar camaraderie with the author Islamic Dynasties A Chronological and Genealogical Handbook Islamic Surveys yeah I feelour pain sisterBut don t I don t feel our pain I never wanted to live in New York and I still don t and for some reason when I see or read something that is suppos. On her mysterious neighbor Crosley can do no right despite the best of intentions or perhaps because of them Together these essays create a startlingly funny and revealing portrait of a complex and utterly recognizable character who aims for the stars but hits the ceiling and the inimitable city that has helped shape who she is I Was Told There'd Be Cake introduces a strikingly or.